What just happened?

The past year and a half seem to have been a dream to me.

Most of the time, my life seems unrecognizable.

I was a driven, career oriented graduate student. I had a baby. My head begins spinning. I turn around and suddenly I am the mother of a toddler struggling to regain my footing.

2008 was a bit rough. I struggled a lot trying to make peace with this new life. To find a new balance, to find new energy and new motivation. It's not easy, being a mom... but it is quite wonderful. The way he laughs, the way he breaks into hysterics at the sound of a piggy snorting.

I love spending time with him, teaching him and showing him the world. And yet 'me' is still in my head pulling me toward some kind of career I might have been able to define once. I know I need to pursue my career... I know I need to continue on and finish my degree. I am not 100% sure why anymore, but I still feel it's the right thing. So I press on.

Of course, it's not that easy... everything is infinitely more complicated. To get even a half day of work in, there is a chaotic hour and a half of getting the baby up, fed, dressed, lunch packed, diaper bag packed, milk filled, binky packed, blankie packed... ready to go for the day. Juggle diaper bag, computer bag, blankie, lunch, stroller, cell phone, keys etc... all down to the car for the hour and a half long ride up to school. Do battle with the toddler who clings to your legs begging you not to go as you drop them off at daycare - knife in the heart. By the time I sit down at my desk I am absolutely exhausted. I sprint around cramming work into the precious few hours I have before I have to be back for him... And this is the easy time, after I have finally gotten the daycare squared away (find one with availability, in our price range, available on the days I need, solid references, nice rapport). Each week you pray he doesnt get sick so that you dont have to just completely abandon work for the week.

The obstacles are so much bigger than they have ever been. I though I used to do a lot in every day, but never in my life have I ever run this ragged. The only problem is that only a fraction of my effort and energy makes its way to my poor dissertation. On top of that, I am competing with people without such complicated lives. I have never worked so hard and achieved so little.

Then there is the mommy guilt. Am I nurturing him? Am I giving him the love and attention he needs? or am I scarring him by not playing with him while I try to work at home? Is this worth missing his toddler years? Am I sacrificing a tight bond with him? What is it I want out of life anyway? What is more important than my family?

I guess it would be easier if I had a clear idea of where this was going, what i wanted to get out of this.








Anyway... I need to get out of this funk. I love Jackson, and I will not be able to be as effective at school as I once was. But I can make slow and steady progress and I will finish. I need to move forward.