charmer

If he had his way, I'd never finish this degree... Id spend my days at Fairyland and the Zoo

Sigh... is he good looking or what?

Moving forward with Project Walk Toward the Light

I haven't been here in a month... i think that might be because i have found my groove a little more and seem to have some momentum building. This is good because I am about to activate what I am calling Project Walk Toward the Light.

My husband likes to say that grad school kills the spirit... and the light at the end of the tunnel they speak of when you get close to finishing is really just the finishing off of your soul. Oh I love that man. ;)

So I am just done. I want to be done. I am visualizing being done. My beautiful sister just got her MD this past weekend, and my equally beautiful sister in law finished her undergrad, so the spirit of matriculation is with me strong right now.

I've crafted Project Walk Toward the Light over the past couple of months and I think I am about ready to launch. The quarter is nearly over, so my work obligation (and pleasure really, i love teaching grad students) is coming to a close. My first chapter(s) of my dissertation is finished (in draft form- editing iterations to be completed). The last of the baby sweaters I have had to knit for friends babies is cast on. Cold season is finally passed and J has learned to say 'Im hungry' and 'all done' and 'blanket' and other such useful phrases, so the pain of sick or frustrated baby is subsiding.

Here it is:

• Following the close of the quarter, my last two weeks of childcare are devoted to finishing up the analytics for paper #2.
• Second two weeks of June to be dedicated to finishing up and submitting my prospectus. It's all there, just needs to be pulled together and updated
• Starting June 29, I am sequestering myself in the home of my parents. 3000 miles from my beloved. :( Jackson will have a summer of fun with the grandparents in the country and I will have all the childcare I need and use of a fabulous office my dad set up for me.
• For 6 weeks I hope to data crunch and write. My goal is write paper #2, complete the analytics for papers #3 and #4 and make progress on the vague idea I harbor for paper #5. If I can get some writing in, that would be great. But I know this is a tall order already.
  
• The final 6 weeks of the summer will be dedicated to celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary in Maui and writing paper #3
• Start the first quarter of my 5th year. This year, I hope to take one last econometrics class to complete the sequence for the emphasis, take what promises to be an awesome development class with our department's newest addition, attend lots of seminars, and write paper #4 and possibly (maybe) paper #5. I reeeealy wish a fairy would come bless me with enough money to not work this year. but that won't happen.
  
• To give me a fighting chance, my childcare arrangements have been increased from 4 hours to 6 hours per day 4 days per week, Christmas travel nixed in favor of another several weeks of isolated work, and I plan on requesting the same class assignments I had this year. (discussions already written, material already mastered, hard work already done ... )

One year from now, 3 additional papers, one more paper in my dreams, and maybe possibly three more letters after my name?

The big bummers are that this summer will be spent apart from J and i really will have to be strong to not just abandon work and do fun things with the wee one every day. summer time in my childhood stomping grounds could be so so much fun!

this is a reaaaalllly naive plan and goals that will never be met. But I figure this is my best case scenario. I have in the past worked like this (pre children obviously) and I have the support of my family on this plan. I am desperate to finish. I want another baby and I don't want to have another baby with this giant monkey on my back.


so there it is.

Things that are magical

1. that lovely time right after you've submitted a draft but before you've gotten the inevitably humbling and hard to swallow comments - this is what i am enjoying right now
2. evolutionary biology... so cool
   
3. childbirth (see this post)
   
4. magic balls of yarn from secret friends
   
5. the central limit theorem - amazing!
   
6. the way Jackson says banana, blueberry & jellybean for the first time in one day
7. pretty much anything sustainable babyish creates but especially the truly truly magic bamboo fitteds
8. goudas that are aged long enough to form those crunchy tidbits that yield the most incredible texture (pradera is the fave in this house)
9. Fairyland
10. the sound of my husband making cocktails at 10:30 on Wednesday night ♥
    

Anatomy of a magic yarn ball swap

This was a ridiculous amount of fun...

Fabulous coordinator matches a group of participants giving each member a super secret swap partner... we all go shopping for eachother....


Then all of this:

















gets wrapped up like this:















and tucked into a box like this:


















And sent off to a friend as a super secret surprise. She unravels it to find the treasures within!

A few days later... I get this :

















SQUEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Delicious Elliot Elephants dyed on Marr Haven by Western Sky Knits, lip balm, hand balm, caramels, stitch markers and fabulous yarn bits for a project Im currently knitting ... THANK YOU KIM!!!! ♥

More Perspective

If I wasn't already well on my way out of last years funk between this blog and the onset of Spring and the astute observation of the book reviewer mentioned in my last post .... yesterday just put it all to rest. I am really terrible at articulating my thoughts, but I will try for nobody's sake.

I saw the business end of baby being born yesterday.

It was without a doubt the most amazing and magical thing I have ever seen. Granted I have birthed a baby myself, but something about witnessing this wonder as a fly on the wall, with no job to do other than to witness, allowed the enormity of the event to just wash over me. I was so stunned by the beauty of it... I sat in my car and tried to think of anything else that could instill such a sense of awe - and I thought for sure the only comparable experience must be the witnessing of the first sunrise or the first time a polar explorer saw an aurora or something. It was that incredible to me.

Maybe I'm being overly dramatic... I mean babies are born constantly all over the world. But that commonplaceness (prolly not a word) only adds to the stunning reminder of how incredible life is... how much beauty there is all around us all the time. I know there is also tragedy and not every birth experience is magical... but for today, I am thinking only of the beauty.

Ive been walking around all morning feeling so inspired and renewed and, well, powerful. I can make a person, I can grow a miracle, my body knows how to push that person into the world, and my body can sustain that person long after he has come into the world. All of this can happen without my brain having to think or reason or enable... I can do this in the most fundamental capacity. That is powerful. That is perspective.

I know I can do that, and I know my intellect is sharp on top of that ... I no longer doubt my ability to master all these roles I am playing. I just will do it, day by day... like my friend pushed that baby out last night moment by moment, like my mother mastered her many roles, year by year, without overthinking it or paralysis by over reasoning things.

I want to thank Jen for allowing me to witness those moments.

made me laugh

this was a line in a book review that made me laugh out loud (literally, not like the figurative LOL) because i think it totally sums up this blog:

"...Her book is a bit whiny and filled with too much "me generation" angst. "

The book was about a feminist trying to live a hundred lives and finally finding peace in being mom...

Editing this post to revisit this thought a bit. I am someone who normally tries not to take myself too seriously... so I think that is why this comment made me laugh. Suck it up and get the work done sort of thing.

At the same time, I don't want to belittle the struggle of academic moms, or my own struggle for that matter. These are valid and difficult problems... but I think I have tended to over think and over analyze this funk and I just need to put it behind me and move on.

PS. i knitted these:

On the bright side...

I have spent the first three months of this year trying to get myself out of last year's extended funk by putting one foot in front of the other and setting weekly goals. I've been making space for Jackson and for creativity along with my work/dissertation goals - figuring that would be a sustainable path...

It has been quite a cathartic process helped along by reading about other mothers in academia, and talking to the academic mothers around me. I think it has really validated my struggle and helped with the sense of isolation.

The last couple of weeks I have been thinking a lot about the brighter side of all this, which I suppose is a good sign... maybe I am coming to some sort of peace. These years have been tough in a lot of ways. But at the same time, it has really been an extraordinary time with Jackson.

I have been lucky enough to get by with part time childcare... meaning I have been able to at least do some work while spending half of every day with my son during his infancy and into his super-fun toddler years.

I got to take my son around the world - me and him together during the fieldwork process... it was hard on me with the nursing, the responsibility, the fear and the exhaustion. But at the same time... it was a pretty amazing experience to be there with him. I will always have that time in my memory - me and my buddy out in the villages doing surveys.

And I'll always look back on my dissertation writing years with a giant smile thinking about how I am doing it between readings of curious george books and trips to the park. Ill always remember walking around the department or having my office hours with Jackson in the backpack...

And I haven't been too busy to be the kind of parent I want to be... I've indulged in the fun of knitting for my little boy, cloth diapering him, making his first solid foods at home, breast feeding, Friday fun days at the park and Fairyland, the zoo...

It is tough to be a mom and be a grad student, but it's always going to be hard to be a mom and have some sort of career pursuit. I don't think I made the wrong choice to enter parenthood smack in the middle of grad school. I think I made just the right one, in fact. And I think I have been pretty lucky.

Sorry this is not a very well written post (as if any of my posts are ever well written)... just a string of thoughts I guess.





Here is the sweater finished for baby Helen who will make her appearance any day now... it is called "Little Boy Blue" in pink coventry cashmere. Heaven to knit... heaven in pink fluffy softness.

Jackson

Along with all my recent reflections on myself this year - the toll motherhood has taken on my professional and emotional self ... trying to propel myself forward - I have also thought a lot about the toll my endeavors plowing through grad school have taken on J.

He was really a perfect little angel baby from the beginning. I got so so lucky with him. He is healthy, he is happy, he is easy going. We joke that we won the baby lottery and he lost the parent lottery... I have asked a lot of such a little guy.

I was writing my oral exam essay when he was born and remember writing with him so tiny, curled up sleeping on my chest. Then when I returned to school, he began daycare at just 2.5 months old.

I asked him to endure the long 1:15 minute car ride (each way) back and forth four times a week.

I asked him to endure my absence for a week while I traveled to participate in survey pretesting (though I suspect he was spoiled rotten by his grandmother and I think he didn't even miss me at all). He was only 4 months old.

I asked him to endure a schedule that changes every 10 weeks.

I asked him to endure two months traveling in a very very unfamiliar place... hours on a plane, train rides, living on a bus, napping in a baby carrier, new hotels every night, no crib, no regular schedule, no playdates, no dada.

I still ask him to endure the grueling commute back and forth... I asked him to learn to nap in the car, and entertain himself with his books and music in the backseat.

I ask him to endure his mother working on her laptop (not all the time, but more than i would like), saving the trips to the zoo for weekends.

I am about to ask him to endure yet another schedule change and a new childcare provider one day a week.

We have our fun, our cuddles, our art time and train time... don't get me wrong. But sometimes I feel badly that my day isn't 100% focused on what J wants and needs.

All along he has been a trooper. It's not fair that I have asked all this of him. I guess all I can do is hope that his mama will impart on him some values or lessons he would not otherwise learn. My unconditional love - my devotion. Hopefully he will know why a whole and happy mama is better than a mama with regrets.

Mama, PhD all around us

After reading and loving the book Mama PhD and sending it as a gift to at least one fellow mama to be... I have been doing a ton of reflecting on my own experience having a baby during the dissertation/fieldwork process - how INSANE it was to bring an infant to the rural -most rural- parts of China, and the toll it took on me last year.

I've also taken the time to approach some of my friends who have had/ are having babies in grad school/post docs to ask them about their experiences. What I found out was shocking. Absolutely shocking. One of my friends stunned me with her story and I discovered that it was her experience having a baby in the middle of her first year of grad school that shaped her family's decision about how many children to have - rather than her and her husband's desires. We talked also about how hard it is on a marriage to have a child in grad school... all of it really shocked me.

I dont know why these stories that I have been hearing from women I have known for so long have been shocking to me... I guess we just dont talk about our struggles enough. I guess I just thought that everyone else was getting on just fine and I was the only one struggling to find the balance.

Anyway, it got me thinking that there should be somewhere where Mama, PhDs can write down their thoughts and experiences. Some of the contributors to the book keep a blog that I now follow and read with great interest, but I wish there were somewhere people could put down their stories and lessons learned.

Progress report:

Dissertation actually making progress lately (woo hoo!) I've gone back to writing paper #1 and am closing in on a draft and have also had some forward motion on the empirical part of paper #2. I also nailed down the final committee member (yay!) so I now have the dissertation committee I really wanted.

I committed to work next quarter as a TA for one of the first year grad students' core classes again. I did this in the Fall and it was REALLY challenging but also REALLY rewarding. I enjoyed being a friend and a helper to the incoming students and helping them (at least a tiny bit) through that impossible first year. Now I am really glad to be returning to the course for the final quarter and helping them through the end of their first year. They will be taking a qualifying exam at the end of the quarter on all of this material, so I am already really nervous for them. I'm thinking of allocating some of my precious time to a study group outside our normal recitations - a time in which we can do practice problems.

This will surely slow my already sluggish dissertation progress, but teaching is also an important skill and I really found the experience of TAing for a PhD level course (as opposed to undergrad courses) quite rewarding.

The fun stuff:

I haven't had much time to knit recently b/c of the end of the quarter grading. bummer. But here is a picture of another SMSS Seamless Infant Kimono done in a teeny tiny preemie size. The photo features both, so you can compare it to the last one I did a few weeks ago (the bigger one went to a Mama, PhD-to-be this past weekend at a baby shower ... I think she was really moved that I took the time to knit for her). I am keeping this tiny little sweater and tucking it away in my secret place where I harbor my dreams of another baby (?!)



and in mothering news, Jackson signed 'I love you' the other day after we had a nice cuddle. swoon. And he is now saying please and thank you on his own... making his mama so so proud ♥

Mama, PhD

This blog is called Forward, Kim-san becasue I have felt like I have been spinning my wheels for so long trying desperately to make 'The Whole Person' work. The whole person being a mommy, a graduate student, and at the same time, a creative individual.

I have been taking it week by week, trying to make time for both dissertation work and creative pursuits in between the full time job of being a mom and my job as a grad student (the part that pays the bills while I dissertate in spare time).

This weekend has been particularly enlightening for me. For some reason, at the end of last week I was feeling quite demoralized (hence the kicking my ass post). Maybe it was because it was the end of the semester and kind of a marathon of grading left me almost no energy for anything else. Then I went to an all day conference yesterday which was wonderful, lots of discussion on my particular area of research, lots of insight, lots of connections made, lots of motivation. I spoke to a former professor of mine, one of only two women profs I have ever known that have children and tenure track jobs. I talked to her about taking J to do fieldwork, the stories we have about the logistics of breast feeding/pumping in the field or on the job. That made me feel great and made me want to start a support group for academic moms in the area.... I think we would all benefit from knowing each other and sharing our stories and just morally support each other.

This morning I have devoted the whole morning to reading the first half of Mama, PhD. I have cried four times so far. So much of this book is cutting right to the heart of my struggles since J was conceived. In some respects, my advisers and profs have been more than accommodating and helpful. Others have not (ironically it was a woman prof who was the least supportive). But really there is only so much they can do within a larger framework that is just not set up for moms in academia. I guess it's just comforting to know that others have done this and to know what their experiences have been...

This is a marathon

Ive been in graduate school for 6 straight years now. and it is kicking my ass. really kicking my ass.

that is all for today. i want to curl up and hide away and nap for like a year.

March Forth, sister....

You may or may not know that yesterday, March 4th is the day I take annually to do a little spiritual housekeeping. It is a homonym for March Forth, an empowering directive to move forward... so I observe it very seriously each year

UG too long... friends please see the crosspost over in livejournal. ♥

Week 7/8

Ive been bad at posting lately, mostly because I feel like I havent gotten much accomplished. :(

Knitting :

Week 6: I took one week to finish off some final touches on some longies (icords and stitching up the cuffs and the like) and I also knitted the Kippahs for my SILs father and grandfather.

Week 7: I knitted this little bit for Monica's baby:





I also needed to take some time out to do some sewing and I finished this Emmaline apron for a girlfriend:







The Emmaline apron is reversible with a gathered bodice, and this was my first time sewing something like that. It came out beautifully and I was really really proud of that.

Week 8: Unfortunately, this week I have not achieved my goal of finishing a project. I casted on two. One for Josh and one for baby Helen. Oh well.

School:

I didn't accomplish a ton over the past three weeks. sad. I finalized my committee members and finished one part of the analysis for paper 2. but i didnt finish the draft writing for paper 1 yet. and im going slow. but I had a ton of grading to do and had lunch with a friend with lots of job advice.

Yowzers...

I have 2.5 weeks of updates to post a bit later. For now I just wanted to put this out there to internet land....

I have a renewed energy for my dissertation project and at the same time i have 9 friends who are expecting babies.

Nine.

That is not even counting friends of friends. These are wonderful amazing women in my circle of friends - and my circle is not that big these days! Women for whom I would readily host a baby shower rather than attend. 9 soon to be fabulous mothers with at least 9 very lucky babies.

I only count 4 of my friends that are not expecting and three of them I suspect soon will be. I am over the moon happy for my friends, but that means I have serious baby knitting to get to. I better get faster at those little baby sweaters!

Week 5: Two projects, one week

Knitting:

I was determined last week to catch up on my project a week goal. So I got two projects in just in.

This luscious elliebelly guppy creek went from this:



to this:



These took me most of the week, but I managed to crack out these shorties as well:



School:

I had a frustrating week in terms of school. I am perplexed by the results I found after much time programming. I am troubleshooting this week and exploring potential sources of trouble. As the great Forrest Gump says - That's all I have to say about that.

Week 4: Marble Rivendell Daycare

School

Daycare continues to be the most limiting factor in my productivity these days by far. It's expensive, it's hard to find and it's impossible to coordinate with a changing schedule.

Anyway... I was offered an extra day of daycare this week and jumped at the chance. It's a stretch for us to afford it, but I think it will be worth the investment for another half day of work each week. That's good... I love my day care provider and J loves going (I think). I told her earlier that wanted more days, but she was full and I didn't want to move J to another provider... they say children with too many caregivers have a hard time forming trusting relationships later in life. Is it true? I don't know.

Maybe it's just that I didnt have the heart to go through the search, check references, adjust process again.

When she told me there was an opening and we could have the extra day... I was a happy girl.

Also, I sent a pair of drafts to the advisor this week and resumed programming on the next phase.

Pretty successful week in this boat.


Knitting

Last week had been a bust as I finished one WIP, but frogged another. I stared to finish yet a third WIP and it wound up taking me way longer than I thought to finish. Alas. Oh well... knitting is like that. I intend to catch up this week by finishing two new projects. One is about 50% done already, and another will be quick, so Im hopeful that I will get back on track with my challenge.

Finished WIP 1: Longies in Rivendell Bulky BFL by Western Sky Knits




Finished WIP 2: My So Called Scarf in Marble Angel on Pixie Super Wash Merino by Elliebelly



The first project this week is arising out of this piece of fiber art (also by elliebelly):

Week 3: WIPs

Three weeks into my resolve, that is.

Not a terribly successful week. I fully intended to finish my to-do list this weekend, but Saturday got eaten with errands. Today, an unexpected and delightful visit from the BFF and her family.

When they left, we opted to indulge in a little Gregoire for dinner. Gregoire. Just thinking about Gregoire makes my heart weep at the thought of ever leaving the Bay Area. G came out of Alice Waters' California Cuisine movement.... he runs an unbelievable little restaurant a few doors down from the famous Chez Panisse in Berkeley's gourmet ghetto. It's just a tiny little place offering a monthly menu of the most weak in the knees takeout... We had the cheese risotto cake with creamy spinach, a romaine salad and split pea soup. Naturally we also had the famous potato puffs, because anyone who claims they can enter Gregoire without having the potato puffs is a liar.

We took it home to enjoy with a nice champagne.

Anyway that pretty much took care of Sunday... and I didn't get the work done I had hoped to.


Knitting

I finished one WIP: Longies for Jackson in Western Sky Knits' Rivendell Colorway on Bulky BFL. I actually knitted most of these when poor little J was sick before Christmas. But they came out waaaay big on him (stupid lazy kim didn't do a gauge swatch and I didn't realize just how bulky the bulky BFL was. These are giant and will probably be roomy next winter. So anyway... I didnt finish them at the time. They just needed some cuffs and a drawstring, so it went fast.

Pictures tomorrow.

The Cole longies that were on the schedule got nixed. I started on them, then just had to accept that they were going to be too small and own my defeat. These were my first attempt at a linen stitch and holy cow it kicked my butt. Talk about slow knitting. I started them back in September, frogged them at least six times and struggled with the crotch gusset until my brain exploded.

I can program up a regression adjusted conditional difference-in-difference local linear propensity matching model but I'll never wrap my brain around a gusseted linen stitch.

Anyway... it felt very freeing to abandon this project, rip it out, re skein the yarn and just be done with it.

Instead, I bumped the My So Called Scarf Project up and tried to finish it. It isnt quite done, I need another night I think.


Schooling

Dissertation wise... not a lot accomplished this week. I got a few rounds of editing done on the first two sections, read them aloud to J while he played with Thomas the Tank Engine, and successfully transferred all my files to the new computer. But I did not finish what I thought I would. Hopefully tomorrow - Im so exhausted.

Week 2, Day 5: A new tool

I decided finally to make an investment in this dissertation effort and replace the laptop that died. Sarah Palin destroyed my laptop back when she did the disastrous Katie Couric interview. In the middle of watching it online, a strange metallic sound came out of my computer and it went dead. That was many months ago. I have been limping along on a POS backup laptop we bought on ebay three years ago. It doesnt hold an internet connection for longer than five minutes, takes anywhere from 3 to 10 attempts to power up and frequently needs rebooting.

I love my new Mac. It feels so good to get it set up the way I like it, get all my tools there, put my files where I want them... the backup computer wasnt even big enough to store all my files on the hard drive!

Week 2, Day 1: WIP week

Week 1 went very well as Tidepool (Gaia Organic Merino Bulky dyed by Heather of Western Sky Knits) went from this:



To this:



I did get the penultimate round of editing done on the paper sections. I need to leave it now for a day or two and return to it before working further.

I feel that week one was a success... Jackson is wearing these right now paired with a Positively Posh shirt created by Kyna.



Week two is a WIP finishing week, and the final week to edit sections 1-3.1 of Paper 1. Im excited to finally get this to my prof. It should have been finished weeks ago, but J has been sick for 3 of the past 6 weeks and I have been sick for 1 week as well. So it was kind of rough.

Knitting wise... actually there were two WIPs slated for finishing this week... first is Rivendell which actually got finished last night. All they needed was a cuff, ends woven in and an i-cord. They are blocking right now and Ill upload photos later this week

Also the ill fated linen stitch longies in Cole were slated for finishing this week. I started these back in September, and frogged them at least six times. After pulling my hair out for weeks, I finally found peace with the gusset and put them aside. Today I pulled them out again and decided after all that, they are going to be too small in the hips. They would have been tights on Jackson! I frogged them. All that pain and I frogged them. But I feel good about it and feel freed from the burden of seeing them in my knitting basket teasing me constantly.

Since the fabulous Kyna already made Jackson the most beautiful shirt to go with this yarn, this week will be devoted to reknitting them (NOT linen stitch thank you very much).

Week 1, Day 4: Tidepool Longies 75% complete

Woot!

So far so good. The tidepool longies were cast on at the beginning of the week... I was tired and totally wanted to go to bed, but I pressed on and finished the right leg tonight. Tomorrow should be plenty of time for the left leg and cuffs!

Woot!

These are looking so beautiful... who doesn't love a little Western Sky Knits!

Other knitting related news - tomorrow Im hoping for a lovely big old package from elliebelly with my much anticipated retro kitchen, the incredible guppy creek, and some nice avalon merino that is destined for Monica's baby kimono. Maybe if Im really lucky some Foxes in the mail tomorrow too!

I also ordered the cashmere for baby Helen's Little Boy Blue in Pink... and added on a few extra skeins of cashmerino to squirrel away for myself. hehehe

Oh right... I also bought some Nurturing Threads plus trim tonight. Bad. I know. I need to stop

Dissertation wise... I did get get to the homestretch editing these fist parts of the paper.

It starts

This blog is going to be dedicated to moving forward in all aspects of my life that have stalled out.

I want to move forward on my dissertation
I want to move forward on being a mom
I even want to move forward on my knitting ... I have a bad habit of buying a ton of yarn, starting projects and then getting distracted when a pretty new yarn comes in the mail.

I want to finish this dissertation, I want to get my degree. I also want to finish knitting through my projects and yarn stash. I know that sounds really silly and insignificant, but it's not. Its a hobby, a creative outlet, a source of relaxation. Committing to finishing my dissertation is important for sure, but committing to make the time to finish the creative projects that are just for my own relaxation and enjoyment is also important.

So I am setting some goals and will use this blog to document my progress...

Here are the rules:

• I will focus each day on my dissertation and strive for forward progress. I wont always have much time for this, but at least a little. I wont always be able to make forward progress either...


• I will complete one knitting project per week (or not move on before finishing this one)
  
• I will alternate between finishing WIPs and starting new projects... and I must finish 2 WIPs before starting a new project.

So let it begin!

Here is my tentative knitting Queue:

Week 1: Tidepool longies
Week 2: Cole Longies (WIP) and Rivendell longies (WIP)
Week 3: Josh's scarf
Week 4: Copper Patina Shrug (WIP)
Week 5: My So Called Scarf (WIP)
Week 6: Retro Kitchen
Week 7: Kippahs (4 total)
Week 8: Guppy Creek
Week 9: Little Boy Blue in Pink
Week 10: SSMS kimono for Monica
Week 11: Scrappies
Week 12: Mountain Tale (linen?)
Week 13: Foxes Sweater (need natural cestari for trim)
Week 14-16: Clapotis in Florida

I can not plan out 14 weeks ahead on the dissertation... Ill have to take that a few weeks at a time

Week 1: Edit Sections 1-3.1 of Paper 1
Week 2: Finish editing sections 1-3.1 of Paper 1, finalize outline for sections 3.2-3.3 - send to prof
Week 3: Finalize committee members, continue on analytics for Paper 2, draft abstract for SF conference
Week 4:

What just happened?

The past year and a half seem to have been a dream to me.

Most of the time, my life seems unrecognizable.

I was a driven, career oriented graduate student. I had a baby. My head begins spinning. I turn around and suddenly I am the mother of a toddler struggling to regain my footing.

2008 was a bit rough. I struggled a lot trying to make peace with this new life. To find a new balance, to find new energy and new motivation. It's not easy, being a mom... but it is quite wonderful. The way he laughs, the way he breaks into hysterics at the sound of a piggy snorting.

I love spending time with him, teaching him and showing him the world. And yet 'me' is still in my head pulling me toward some kind of career I might have been able to define once. I know I need to pursue my career... I know I need to continue on and finish my degree. I am not 100% sure why anymore, but I still feel it's the right thing. So I press on.

Of course, it's not that easy... everything is infinitely more complicated. To get even a half day of work in, there is a chaotic hour and a half of getting the baby up, fed, dressed, lunch packed, diaper bag packed, milk filled, binky packed, blankie packed... ready to go for the day. Juggle diaper bag, computer bag, blankie, lunch, stroller, cell phone, keys etc... all down to the car for the hour and a half long ride up to school. Do battle with the toddler who clings to your legs begging you not to go as you drop them off at daycare - knife in the heart. By the time I sit down at my desk I am absolutely exhausted. I sprint around cramming work into the precious few hours I have before I have to be back for him... And this is the easy time, after I have finally gotten the daycare squared away (find one with availability, in our price range, available on the days I need, solid references, nice rapport). Each week you pray he doesnt get sick so that you dont have to just completely abandon work for the week.

The obstacles are so much bigger than they have ever been. I though I used to do a lot in every day, but never in my life have I ever run this ragged. The only problem is that only a fraction of my effort and energy makes its way to my poor dissertation. On top of that, I am competing with people without such complicated lives. I have never worked so hard and achieved so little.

Then there is the mommy guilt. Am I nurturing him? Am I giving him the love and attention he needs? or am I scarring him by not playing with him while I try to work at home? Is this worth missing his toddler years? Am I sacrificing a tight bond with him? What is it I want out of life anyway? What is more important than my family?

I guess it would be easier if I had a clear idea of where this was going, what i wanted to get out of this.








Anyway... I need to get out of this funk. I love Jackson, and I will not be able to be as effective at school as I once was. But I can make slow and steady progress and I will finish. I need to move forward.